Behind every great rock classic is a thumping, funky, bass line. On rare occasions, a bass line will be so groovy that it will actually cause an erection to form in your pants. This goes for both men and women. So you might be wondering what specific songs are most likely to contain bass lines that will produce a boner, and we’re here to help. Stevie and I have compiled a short list of the Top 5 most bonerific bass lines of all time, right here on To Be A Rock, for your convenience. Now let’s get right into this.
1. “Rio” by Duran Duran
Connor: If anyone ever wondered what getting a boner sounded like, this isn’t a bad place to start. As a matter of fact, this is the closest you’ll get to hearing a boner. As if a recording engineer were holding a microphone right up next to a man’s (or woman’s) rising member. John Taylor’s work on this track is brilliant, and certainly bonerific. Just listen to the isolated bass track. Totally wild and erect.
Stevie: *Ding!* Hear that? That’s the sound of my boner hitting my desk after listening to this song. This tune is a bone-zone staple if I’ve ever heard one before. The music video for this song is pretty bonerrific as well with the band sailing around the Caribbean Sea. Whoa! Bonerama, my dudes! Surfs up in Bonetown, USA!
2. “Slow Ride” by Foghat
C: What is there to say about this track? There’s a good chance that Nick Jameson of Foghat actually played this bass part with his erect cock. Now, we have no way of proving that, but it sure sounds like it, right? I once saw Foghat in concert and they played “Slow Ride” for ten minutes straight. Imagine that bass line for ten minutes. I had to do everything within my power to contain my bonestick.
S: You know Connor, this is another tune that could possibly be about – as you previously said and I quote – “torquing the turkey”. Clearly singer “Lonesome” Dave Peverett (aka “The Lone Pervert”) was talking to his hand when he sang “I’m in the mood/The rhythm is right/Move to the music/We can roll all night”. What was he jerking it to? Probably this bassline!
3. “Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap
C: Being a buttman (guy who likes butts a lot) myself, I’ve always held a particular liking for this Tap classic. This bass line is legendary, and certainly one of the most thumpin’ boner bass tracks of all time. The frequencies of the bass could wake any slumbering trouser snake from its deep sleep.
S: This is a double boner right here. A nice throbbing basslines and lyrics about big BUTTS. I’d wager a bet that butts (male or female, its all good) are the source of at least 60% of all boners. The other 40%? Basslines. But what makes this song really special are the three basses simultaneously playing. Ladies and Gents, hold on to your boners because we’re going into triple Boner overtime!
4. “My Generation” by The Who
C: John Entwistle is without question the greatest bass player to ever live. Let’s get that straight first and foremost. His boner was equally tremendous, and let’s not forget his bone-suit he’d frequently wear on stage. Although the studio recording of this track is good enough, this version from the Live at Leeds album with the bass isolated really hits the point home. Enjoy the boner you’ll get from listening to this.
S: This one is an absolute classic. A boner jam for the ages. Nowadays, the average fan of The Who takes ten to fifteen grams of viagra in order to achieve an ideal erection. However, turn up the subwoofer on this tune and they’ll be rocking a meat stick fit to lick!
5. “Juicebox” by The Strokes
C: I’ve always felt like this boner would be chode-like, or resemble a chode in one way or another. A big, thunderous boner. Maybe the boner of a fat guy or something. Who knows. The song’s a Strokes classic.
S: Here’s my normal reaction when I hear this song:
Except the tongue is my penis. It gets nice and long and, sometimes, wet. Basically, I get an erection. A huge erection because this song is an all time classic boner jam! I’ve seen The Strokes a handful of times and ladies and gentlemen from around the world were sporting some rock hard boners during this song!
And there you have it! That’s our list. Keep in mind that this is pertaining to the rock genre only. We’re saving the funk genre and its army of boner-soldier-bass-players for another time, and another list. But for now, enjoy these tunes! And do your best to contain your boner. Or don’t.